Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Theatre Etiquette

The fashionable theatergoer must closely follow these guidelines on the matter of Theatre Etiquette. Failure to do so shall result in a flogging and irrecoverable damage to your reputation. (But mainly the flogging.)

1. On the subject of Clothing.

I was attending - or shall I say, dreading - an experimental performance of birth giving. These experimental affairs attract the intellectual types that nauseate my eyes with their fashion choices. Enemies of Decency, these people disrespect the temple of Shakespeare and Moliere with their "wrinkle-free" JCPenny shirts. Gentlemen, Brooks Brothers has an outlet and GQ has a fashion guide - pull it together!!!!!!! I know that female patrons understand the requisites of our beautiful art form. I shall entrust you to avoid wearing anything too liberal. Remember, my darlings, we are all watching and most certainly judging you more than the play. So, tsk tsk on dressing down.

2. On the subject of Criticizing a Performance.

Artists have delicate souls - it's why they make $29,000 a year. This will not assuage me from my responsibility as a theatergoer. Ladies and Gentlemen, we've all been to a Beckett play. Shit is shit - pardon my honesty and accuracy. While a direct jeer at an actor is not allowed, dropping a hint will not hurt them. Feel free to say things like, "It's an interesting hobby, your acting. What do you do for a living?" You will be a saint for directing their lives into a more profitable profession - like pornography. (Let's not kid ourselves about their limited opportunities - or talents.)

3. On the subject of Comedy.

Noel Coward did it excellently. Robin Williams is a lunatic. And nothing makes me laugh harder than the concept of "A Poor Theatre."

Good Night - M. M.

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