Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Theatre Etiquette


The fashionable theatergoer must closely follow these guidelines on the matter of Theatre Etiquette. Failure to do so shall result in a jabbing and irrecoverable damage to your reputation. (But mainly the jabbing.)

1. On the subject of Attending a Political Satire.

My Uncle Elsworth used to say, 'art and politics share the delicious deception over human logic, but they must never share the stage.' I believe dear Elsworth understood that boorish political satires are the products of jealous playwrights. These dear - and terribly poor - writers do not posses the finesse to run for public office, yet they feel gifted with superior intellect and judgment on matters of policy. They guard us by policing our elected officials with crude humor. They're full of shit. Poor people, my darlings, soothe their bitterness with pretentiousness. Senator Craig's bathroom adventure may be funny, but so is the writer's salary. Be a smart theatergoer and only attend productions of worth (e. g. Oscar Wilde's delightful play about the gay couple that goes bunburying - whatever that means in homo talk - on weekends. How delightful is the humor in that play, though some times, and I advise my readers to do the same, I laugh even when I don't get the joke.)

2. On the subject of Respecting the Venue.

Dear darlings, I hope to never repeat this to my younger readers. I know some are experiencing theatre for the first time, but NEVER UNDER ANY CONDITION WHATSOEVER CLIMB OVER THE FUCKING SEAT. An Usher will grab you by the ear and toss you into the gutter, where you most certainly belong.

3. On the subject of Valet Service.

I decided that I would take the Dart Rail to the Majestic Theater in Downtown Dallas. I was surround by vagrants and college students - same thing. I advise that you use the provided valet service at the theater. If we're not going to reform immigration in this country, we might as well take advantage.

4. Oh the subject of Box Seats.

It's proven that most theaters have box seats. It is also proven that they have shitty views. Often I hear complaining about those who couldn't see the stage. Have I taught you nothing, my precious ones? You are not there to see the play! Tsk, tsk. If I have to explain one more time, you might as well buy balcony seats and come in jeans and a polo shirt from Ross. No need to add the mustard stain, darlings. We'll know you're garbage by where you are sitting.

Ugh, the very idea of rejecting box seats has made me a bit heated. I apologize. I think a good night's rest will refresh me.

Ta-ta - M. M.

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